By Dr. Laurie Mintz
The four things to do before giving up sex include discussion, planning sexual encounters, reading self-help books, and seeking sex therapy.
There are some serious consequences of letting your sex life fizzle, including dissatisfaction and an increased risk of splitting up. Read about these dangers in my blog, The Two Biggest Risks That Come With Letting Your Sex Life Fizzle Out, According To A Sex Therapist, to help you understand why you should follow the suggestions below.
Talk it Out: Get to the Heart of the Matter
Schedule a time to talk when you can listen to each other’s point of view and express yours without time constraints or interruptions. This is the time to open your hearts and treat each other with tenderness and care. Approach the conversation with compassion and curiosity. Talk about the elephant in the room — why you have given up sex. Explore the possibilities and underlying issues that could be causing the sex drought— whether they are related to anger, stress, or specific sexual problems like pain during penetration or erectile dysfunction. What makes you avoid or pull away from sexual encounters? Seek solutions for the root cause with your partner.
Set Your Preferred Intimacy Schedule and Commit to Consistency
If a lack of desire is the main reason for avoiding sex, it's important to recognize it is a myth that sexual arousal is always necessary to engage in sexual activity. Instead, decide how often you want to have sex and plan out your sexual encounters. Put it on the schedule!
During trysts (planned sexual encounters), make sure you are receiving the type of stimulation that turns you on. Take the time to build arousal and allow yourself to fully immerse in the sensations. If the sex is good once it gets going, even if you weren’t aroused from the start, congratulations are in order! You’ve just engaged in a sex therapy technique that is scientifically supported!
Take Advantage of Self-Help Books
Several spectacular self-help books can help address the underlying causes of a sex drought or declining sexual satisfaction. An inclusive book for all types of couples is Desire by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer Vencill. For couples in which the woman has lost desire, Reclaiming Your Sexual Self by Kathryn Hall and my book, A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, have published studies showing that just by reading this book readers can rejuvenate their sex life.
Explore Sex Therapy to Enhance Your Sex Life
If you feel like you can’t approach the conversation with your partner, you do approach it and it doesn’t go well, or you simply think this is a situation that cannot be remedied on your own, do not be afraid to seek sex therapy. A trained therapist can help you re-awaken your sex life and heal the pain caused by letting your passion die.
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